The holidays can be beautiful, filled with memory making moments and anticipation of family joining together. For some though, holidays amplify feelings of loss and grief because it does seem possible that life moves beyond the death of a loved one. One mom that I know wrote this message to her young adult son on the first Christmas after his death. Her message is meant to be shared and she graciously gave me permission to post it on my blog. My friend prefers to remain anonymous. I respect her wishes and thank her for the generosity of sharing her words that will resonate with so many readers of my blog.
Christmas without you isn’t just one emotion. It’s a jumble of emotions, that still leave me spinning. You’d think after 10 months of living without you, I’d be getting the hang of it. But honestly? I’m not. There’s no “getting the hang” of living a life sentence without you. Grief still has a way of sneaking up on me without notice, grinchingly lurking around corners, and ruining otherwise “good” moments. Especially during the holidays.
I had everything I’d ever dreamed of and then some. My angel 😇 you were a dream come true & that mom. The normal one. The non-bereaved one. The one not perpetually weighed down emotionally, pinned between a rock and a hard place, by this incessant boulder of grief. The one that was all kinds of happy and joyful and mom to everyone. I’m not that mom anymore. I wish I was, I wish that mom was still in me somewhere. But she died the day you did. With you, she went. Together, we soar….yes I’m still a mom. To you, and to the rest of your siblings. & I just wish everything could go back to the way it was?– before the nightmare took over? Or is it, I wish with everything within in me, that I could rewrite the ending. That I could edit this story to my heart’s content.
Because this story? This life? It’s not the one I wanted, dreamed of, planned for– and the holidays emphasize that fact loud and clear, like wretched nails on a chalkboard. This is not anything close to the life I had planned for us. Yet no matter what I do, I can’t go back. I can’t change the ending. There are no rewrites. No revisions. No do-overs. Unfortunately i wasn’t given that choice. 💔😢😭 missing you my love…
As I read this morning on another beautiful post from a friend who is dealing with challenging health issues, the most important gift is the “gift of time.” I wish the readers of my blog the gift of time, of health, of family and friends. I wish you the gift of following your passions, contributing to healing this world in need of care, and finding your tribe whatever that means for you.
